How To Be A Good FMA Author
by The Vampire Alchemist
Summary: New to fanfiction? Want more reviews? Want to improve your writing skills? This guide will help you how to write well written FMA fanfics
1. The Introduction Channel

How To Be A Good FMA Fanfic Author

A guide for all noobs/not-so-talented authors

So, you love the series Fullmetal Alchemist, huh? What's that? You want to write FMA fanfiction? Well, here's a guide for you to get a good head start, or if you're already writing, then this is also a guide to help you improve your work. Because, lets face it: You have to go mining for good FMA fics these days. You might stumble across a story that is very corny but tolerable, but it is rare to find a story that absolutely blows your mind away and makes you think "Why didn't Arakawa think of this? This is bloody brilliant!" Chances are that many of these fanfics are written by one author; for example, a lot of the best Parental!RoyEd fics come from Shadow Mage Evelyn, if she doesn't mind me using her.

/adopts school-teacher-tone/ Alright class, listen up: In these lessons, you will learn how to improve your writing skills, specific lingo that might be unclear to noobs, and what to watch out for, among many other things. I have noticed a few FMA Guides like this one, which is why I'm writing this; I want to put in my own opinion and advice. So yes, there will be rants about things I am passionate about, because let's face it; I am very passionate about Fullmetal Alchemist.

So, yes. Stay tuned, because there will be advice coming your way soon. And that concludes our program for today. /changes channel/


	2. Lingo you'll be lost without

Lesson 1: Lingo you will be lost without

Ba duh BA buh da BAA! And we're back. n.n

Now, pay attention, because these are terms that authors use a lot in their summaries that you n00bs will probably not understand. I didn't understand any of it when I first came, so I'm listing them out for you so you won't embarrass yourselves by accidentally clicking on a graphic story that you didn't want to read in the first place! Believe me, I did that once……my soul was lost to the Underworld that day.

You are the lucky ones because I'm gonna save your little souls from rotting along with me!

So, to start off, one of the most common ones is yaoi. And just what is yaoi? It is purely fan-girl EVILNESS!!! At least that's my opinion. Yaoi is simply boyxboy pairings. Shounen ai is the exact same thing as yaoi because _shounen ai _literally means _boy love_. However, I'm also told that when a fic is described as shounen ai, it's more fluffy and cute, whereas yaoi is hard-core graphic butt-smex. /shudders/

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not a homophobe. I do support all my gay friends (Thinking of you, Chris-san and Tomo! ^_^) However, many fans are under the impression that just about every male in FMA is gay. Uh, no. There's more evidence of proving the opposite; that they're all straight. Havoc tries to get girlfriends, when he lands one, then Colonel Mustang steals them from him, Hughes is _married_; he has a wife and daughter, and Edward blushes every time either Winry or Rose smile at him. The only one who could possibly be gay is Envy, but then nobody's even sure what gender Envy is, so that's a whole new card game. And no, saying that Colonel Mustang is bi will NOT justify RoyEd pairing, because even if he was, Ed is still not gay or bi.

Then there is another pairing similar to yaoi that is called yuri. Yuri is girlxgirl pairing, which of course comes with _shoujo ai,_ but it is not NEARLY as popular as yaoi. I have come across a RizaxWinry fic, which was gross to the max.

And then there's het. Het I believe is as in heterosexual, which is of course boyxgirl pairings.

Lemon. Ah, delicious lemons. (This is the one I sold my soul to.) Lemons are hard-core, to-the-max, extremely graphic sex fics. This is where authors describe an intimate experience between two characters with very much detail. So much so that your eyes will be bugging out of their sockets with an extreme danger of falling out. The better ones are more than likely written by non-virgins, so if you are still a virgin, it's more than likely that you won't be able to write a good lemon. But that doesn't mean that I'm encouraging you to go out and do it so you can a good lemon!

Limes, I'm told, are almost the same as lemons, but they are much less descriptive and more fluffy; it really mentions what's going on rather than going into all-out detail. But it's still a sex fic. It's just not a hard-core graphic sex fic as much as a cute fluffy sex fic.

And then there's the funness of the grapes! Grapes are the most obvious ones, as grape stands for rape. Grapes, I think, are more easy to read when it comes to yaoi because usually the rape victim isn't on the same team as the perverted rapist. So, let's say Ed's walking down a dark alley for some stupid reason, thinking about Winry, and all the sudden a sadistic pervert who likes to rape boys hops out of nowhere and rapes him. Those are the kind I can tolerate, because usually it ends up with Winry comforting him in a lime/lemon.

So yes, there's the Lingo that you need to know. There are a couple that I'm not sure of like Peaches and Kumquats, so if anyone knows, please notify me and tell me what they are.

Oh, and one last thing: If you're going to post a yaoi fic, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!!! LABEL IT AS A YAOI!!! You wouldn't BELIEVE how many RoyEds I've made my eyes bleed over because the author didn't warn me it was yaoi.

Well, TTFN: Ta Ta For Now.


	3. Grammar is your friend!

Lesson 2: Grammar is your friend!

/Fresh Prince of Bel Air tune/

Now this is a story all about how

The Fullmetal fanfics all went down……

Well, I'll try to finish that little song, but right now, my mind is not in the mood for rhyming. So, one thing that has been bugging me for a very long time is GRAMMAR. A lot of you authors are missing it. You wouldn't believe how annoying it is to find all these grammatical errors in fanfics. There's one little thing you should always ask yourself as you proof-read your work: Would my English teacher approve of this? If not, it's back to the drawing board with you. This is a major factor that brings writers down; grammar IS important, because it makes you look stupid if you use text-talk all the time. GRAMMAR is your friend. TEXT-TALK is the sadistic enemy.

Okay, so there are a butt-load of writers who don't know the difference between _you're _and _your_. It bugs the hell out of me so much that I want to scream or punch them in the face!

_You're_ is two words brought together by an apostrophe: _You are_. Simply drop the 'a' in 'are' and put an apostrophe in. You're.

Examples: "Hey, I know you! You're the Fullmetal Alchemist!"

"You're gonna get in trouble."

"You're under arrest!"

Now _your_ is possessive. You only use _your_ in a sentence like this: "Your arm! It's gone!" or "Your shoelace is untied."

To, Too, and Two.

_"I'm going **to** Lior." Edward said. _ This means that Edward is going somewhere.

_"Hey, I'm coming **too**!" Winry shouted._ This means that Winry is coming _also._

_"Not without me. You **two** will rip each others throats out if I don't come along." Alphonse sighed. _This is the number of people that Alphonse is accompanying.

Their, They're, and There.

_"I think that Alchemy book is **theirs**." Al said, pointing to a couple of kids._ This is a possessive term. The book belongs to the children, and so it is _theirs_.

_"You mean those brats over **there**?" Edward said, glaring in the direction of the squealing children. _There is a place.

_"Brother, don't be rude! **They're **just kids." They're_ is just like _You're_. It's the words _they are_ brought together by an apostrophe.

Everybody got that? GOOD!! Cause I'm no English teacher. If you have anymore questions, consult the dictionary. The dictionary is a good friend of grammar, which also makes the dictionary _your_ friend!

Remember, if it's not good enough for your English teacher, it's not good enough to post.


	4. Genderbending

Lesson 3: Gender-Bending. Traumatic or delightful, it's still bizarre.

One day, in the wonderful city of Ba-Sing Se, Zuko, Toph, Katara, and Aang decided to compete, completely disregarding the fact that this is an FMA guide and NOT an Avatar guide. They were going to show the others which bend was the best: Fire, Earth, Water, or Air.

"I'll go first." Zuko said. "I'm Prince Zuko, and I'm a FIRE-BENDER!" Then, somehow using the energy of the sun which was unclear about how he did it, he made some awesome flame attack.

"Nice try, kiddo." Roy Mustang said, snapping his fingers and blowing Zuko up. Then Toph came up.

"My name is Toph, and I'm an EARTH-BENDER!" Then, moving into a sumo-wrestler stance, she stomped her foot and made a landslide bury the Colonel.

However, Edward Elric came at that point. He clapped his hands, and transmuted a big hole in the ground that swallowed Toph up. She hit her head and had a concussion. Ed smirked because she had called him short the day before, and besides, revenge is a dish best served cold, no?

"I'm Katara, and I'm a WATER-BENDER!" Using a lake that just so suddenly appeared out of nowhere, and the power of the moon, which was odd because it was the middle of the day, Katara created a huge tidal wave that headed straight for the two alchemists.

It was then that the villain in the first episode of FMA: Brotherhood came up and froze Katara's wave into ice, although he still let some water splash onto Roy. Katara fell off. Unfortunately, she had landed on Ed. When he tried to make her apologize, she called him short. He went on a short rant. He called her hopeless. She went on a hope rant. They ranted on and on about shortness and hope.

"I'm Aang, and I'm going to prove that Air-Bending is the best because I'm the last AIR-BENDER!" Then he flew up into the air like the happy-go-lucky magical-lad he is. Unfortunately for him, Riza came at that point and shot him down. Aang fell to the ground and was sad.

Then, at that point, a new girl came in. She had long red hair that was pulled into a ponytail, and she was wearing old, worn out converse shoes, a pair of ripped dark jeans, and a black T-shirt with a picture of the Grim Reaper that read _Sometimes I Appear Just to Freak People Out_. Well, she was certainly doing a good job of that.

"Who are you?" a dripping wet Roy asked.

"My name is Katie."

Whispers broke out. "Hey, isn't she that Katie girl? You know; the one with the penname _The Vampire Alchemist?_"

"Yes, I am." Katie said.

"Then shouldn't you be writing a story? Some story about Edward Cullen?" Ed asked.

"I am writing a story, idiot!" Katie said. "And no; just because I'm into vampires, it doesn't mean that I'm a Twi-Hard. The Twilight Saga is SERIOUSLY overrated." I couldn't agree more with myself.

"You're not supposed to break the fourth wall." Riza said, pointing her gun at the computer screen. I sweat-dropped, gave a poke to my snoring cat, and rebuilt the fourth wall.

"Anyway," Katie said. "There is another form of bending that the Avatar characters didn't mention."

"You mean were too scared to mention!" Aang said.

"That's because this form of bending/alchemy is the BEST and you guys knew it!"

"It is not!" Katara said. "It's vulgar and disgusting."

"Hear, hear!" said a random group of haters.

"This doesn't concern you guys!" Katie said. "And if you're so freaked about it, Katara, why don't you bugger off?"

Katara glared at Katie, then stomped her foot and left off.

"Anyway, this is my power; If I were a State Alchemist, my title would be The Genderswitch Alchemist, because yes: I'm a GENDER-BENDER!"

Then Katie clapped her hands and placed them on Edward's torso. There were alchemical blue sparks, and then a blinding white light. When it died down, a very pretty girl stood there in Edward's clothes. Infact, she looked like Edward's twin sister; she had sun-gold hair, deep golden eyes, and two automail limbs.

"WHAT THE HELL?" Edward screeched in a very feminine voice.

Then all bowed down to Katie's omnipotent powers, for Gender-bending was proved to be truly the best kind of bending. But mostly because they were afraid she'd change their genders too.

Wasn't that a good story? Yes, there is a type of stories that are popping up everywhere; they're called Fem!Ed. Fem!Ed is where you take poor Edward and turn him into a girl. They can either be total crack, like the story above, or they can be serious. That's right! Despite what other authors may say, you CAN write a serious Fem!Ed story!

If you're going to write a serious gender-bender, you can either have Edward be in an accident that turns him into a girl, or Ed can already be female, and she's hiding her true gender from everyone. But be careful! Just because Ed's become a girl, that doesn't mean that it justifies the RoyEd pairing or Elricest. Incest is still incest, and Roy would still be a pedophile.

If you're going to write a crack gender-bender, its best that you have Edward in an accident. You can do more from there. For example, you can make Edward experience the pain that no man will ever understand: A PERIOD. Or, you can do something even more horrible but absolutely hilarious to her: MAKE HER PREGNANT. There is no greater pain that labor pains (so I'm told. I've never been pregnant) and yet men never seem to really get this. So wouldn't it be sweet revenge to make a former male experience something like pregnancy?

However, Gender-bending is not limited to only Edward. You could gender-switch both Edward and Winry, which I think would be interesting. I have come across one Fem!Roy, which I must admit was utterly bizarre. Just think of a sort of playboy bunny colonel whom everyone believes Havoc is in love with and he tries to get other girlfriends to prove them wrong. But for whatever reason, people seem to find Fem!Ed to be the most amusing. I have no idea why; I'm just one of those gender-switch nuts.

Well, that's all for now!


End file.
